Do we have the love we think we deserve: Many of us have the love we think we deserve. Perhaps, for this reason, we end up trapped in relationships that hurt, in bonds that overshadow all forms of happiness. The truth is that it is difficult to understand why we give truth to this type of mental narrative, those in which we assume that it is better to endure the intolerable as long as we are not left alone…
More than one will say that the cause of this reality is low self-esteem. However, there are more complex and deeper dynamics. Many times, since childhood, we integrate a series of psycho-affective schemes that completely determine how we conceive love. Let’s be clear, few will know how to love themselves if they have never been loved; especially in childhood.
It costs a lot to demand a healthy love if we have never received it . In fact, the human being is that creature capable of falling into one harmful relationship after another without really knowing the reason. Those in which to receive only emotional crumbs.
Moreover, we ourselves may have more than one friend trapped in a relationship of dependency and unhappiness. It doesn’t matter how many times we repeat to them that “you deserve better”. If the person fears loneliness more than a coexistence of ups and downs and hurtful affections, it will be very difficult to convince him of the former. Although this does not mean that we should give up. Sooner or later, the person ends up opening his eyes…
The dangerous feeling of lack in love
How much share of love do you think you deserve? What kind of esteem are you willing to receive? Many times we should reflect on these ideas before launching into a new relationship. Because it is very possible that our mind is subject to what we could define as a feeling of lack . That is, assuming that in order to alleviate our loneliness, it is enough for us to have anyone by our side. Without knowing its real love or not we start sharing good morning images, and night images.
However, happiness is not having another person next to the sofa, the bed and the table where we eat. For that, it is more uplifting to share time with friends or adopt a pet. Surely, it offers us a much more valid and authentic affection.
Every healthy and happy relationship is built with a love that builds, nurtures and validates . We cannot settle for less.
Despite this, we do it. We accept embers of poisoned affections and repeat relational patterns often based on codependency and suffering. Because in many cases, we accept the love we think we deserve based on how we feel . If our heart is full of emptiness, sadness and anxiety, it is very easy to accept whatever comes in order to alleviate those inner wounds.
When starting a relationship, we are conditioned by dozens of unconscious variables that we have never stopped to detect.
Negative patterns we fall into when we accept less than we deserve
Do we have the love we think we deserve? Regardless of what we think, it is good (and necessary) that we ask ourselves this question every time we start a relationship.
This question will allow us to reflect on dimensions that, perhaps, we are overlooking. Because it is very easy to drift into negative relational patterns and assume that they are normal dynamics in every couple, when this is not the case.
These would be just an example:
- Believing that you must change your values, customs, dreams and hobbies to adapt to your partner.
- Perceiving that your partner criticizes you or sanctions you for many of the things you do or say.
- Continually put the other person’s needs before your own.
- Hide from your friends and family that your partner yells at you, treats you badly, and embarrasses you. It is more, and even you yourself try not to give excessive importance to these dynamics.
- Your partner has failed you many times, but you keep forgiving them and giving them new opportunities.
- You know you’re not happy, but you tell yourself almost every day that relationships are like that, that you have to hold on. Sooner or later the relationship will improve and every sacrifice will have been worth it. Which never happens.
Our emotional memory drives us to repeat patterns from the past
What is the origin of this perception?
People have the love we think we deserve because we act based on our previous experiences. That is the key, our previous filming, our early experiences and the quality of the links that have woven our existence.
Because make no mistake, when starting a relationship, countless unconscious mechanisms are activated that determine a good part of the traps in which we fall. Let us now analyze what origin may be behind this perception.
The kind of attachment we were raised with
Just as they loved you, you will love. It seems too resounding, but the truth is that this rule is fulfilled in almost 80% of cases. Researchers at the University of Minnesota highlight the relationship between the type of attachment we were raised with and the quality of relationships in adulthood.
In this way, people who have established a type of anxious-ambivalent attachment to their parents develop a constant fear of being abandoned or not loved by their partners.
To a large extent, we are all the result of our experiences. Some of us are more conditioned than others and, sometimes, we can carry more than one trauma or experience that has not been overcome. Losing a father, a mother, having suffered mistreatment, abuse, bullying at school and even witnessing bad relationships between our parents…
All this can skew the idea we have of love and what we deserve.
Self-concept and self-esteem
They look the same, but they are not. Self – concept (the image we have of ourselves) and self- esteem (the way we evaluate ourselves) also define the love we believe we deserve. A negative scheme towards one’s own person, rejecting our body, undervaluing our worth and skills are behind these unhappy and failed relationships.
To conclude, it is important to remember once again one aspect. Falling in love is an instinctive and illogical act, it’s true. However, even though we cannot control who we fall in love with, we must value what kind of love we deserve . Let us avoid being our own enemies by tolerating the intolerable.
Let’s promote self-love to put limits on what we should never experience: suffering. If they are not loving you as you deserve, perhaps the cause is in you because you don’t love yourself as you need either. Take action.
Check also- 8 best way to say I Love You to your Girlfriend